I’m so tired right now
I sit here and try to imagine a world
Where I am alive with energy
And it’s hard to imagine this world
I slump forward in my chair
And compress my chest
The breath doesn’t come so easily these days
I pull out my pen and paper
And try to write a sweet song
But all the words come out the same.
I have become mediocre
And I resent that evolution
I must make the change to be the person I was born to be
Whoever she is
I search the internet and find no answers
I search the faces of my friends and family
And find blank and unsteady answers amongst them
They don’t know me
I don’t know me
And this lack of knowledge wears me out
So I sit and contemplate
The existence of this life
And there are days when it makes no sense to me at all
But I push on
For I am desperate to find the elusive state of happiness
And when I do
I will then and only then
Be able to imagine a world
Where I am alive.


The Embankment

I’ve decided to post something a bit different, a short story. Enjoy!

The Embankment
The pain was unbearable. Where was it coming from? I checked my shoulders and my neck, all fine. My head, ah, the blood ran down my finger. I hoped it wasn’t a large gash. The knowledge now made me feel every trickle that ran down my neck. I looked to the back seat, Rebecca was screaming but secure in her car seat. I unbuckled myself as fast as I could and climbed to the back seat to grab her. Oh my goodness, where was Henry? I searched the back seat, trying my best to stay calm. His car seat was empty. I checked the door, good, I had remembered to put the child lock on this time. I climbed further back into the van, Henry I called out. Rebecca held me tight. She shivered in my arms. I looked to the front of the van and the realization hit me like a ton of bricks, where was Jack, where was my husband. Maybe he’d gotten out and took Henry with him. I climbed back to the front of the van with Rebecca clinging to me; she was not going to let me go. I tried to open the passenger door, it wouldn’t budge, we must be up against something. I moved towards the driver’s side reaching for the door handle. I couldn’t get to it. Rebecca and I together could not make it. Rebecca was not going to let go of me long enough to get the door opened. With Rebecca still hanging on tightly, I was able to move the driver’s seat back as far as it would go and open the door. It was so dark. I had no idea where we were, and worst what was out there. I readjusted Rebecca and searched for solid ground. It was soft so I knew we were in a grassy area. I looked around hoping my eyes would adjust faster to the pitch-blackness. I walked towards the back of the van, what hit us? The left rear was smashed in completely. I took a deep breath and held Rebecca tighter. She sobbed uncontrollably in my neck. We were up against an embankment, which was why I couldn’t get the door opened. My head was beginning to ache even more. It was cold out here; neither Rebecca nor I had a jacket. We hadn’t brought any I thought. Where were we headed, that I couldn’t remember. Where was Jack? I looked up the embankment, there had to be a road or something up there. I searched for a path. I didn’t know if I was going to be able to climb it with Rebecca so tight to me, but I had to try. I took one arm from around Rebecca and felt her grip tighten. I assured her and told her that I was not going to let her go; I just needed to get us up this hill. This calmed her for the moment. The embankment proved steeper than I first thought and I literally had to crawl to the top. At the top, I saw nothing but trees. Panic began to set in; there was no road. Were we stranded? What had happened to Jack and to Henry? Were they even alive? Was I dreaming? Tears began to stream down my face but I remembered the tiny bundle of everything that I was holding. I had to get her out of here. She was what I had to hold onto for now. I would think about Jack and Henry, when we were safe. I strained in the darkness to make out a path. Was there a direction that was better, being navigationally challenged, I couldn’t even begin to answer that question. I decided we would walk straight and I stepped ever so cautiously over branches and leaves. As I walked, I noticed ever so faint shadows of light dancing in the darkness, they seemed to get brighter, and then I heard what sounded like sirens. I froze and listened harder. I slowly turned and saw what must have hit me as disbelief. In the far distance, up the cliff side, beyond the embankment we had just climbed out of, was an assemblage of flashing lights. The distance was so great they simply merged into one great light. Everything came back to me at once. We were driving down Route 1201; it was the scenic road across Talbor Mountain. The four of us had enjoyed ice cream at Talbor Lodge. It was such a beautiful night. I wanted to gaze at the stars as we rode home. But we didn’t make it home. I remembered bright lights, brakes squealing and the sound of metal colliding. Then I woke up in the van. By this time I’d run back to the embankment. We had fallen; down into a ravine. I couldn’t breathe. We had fallen, a long way down. Panic set in once again. How were little Rebecca and I going to get back up the mountain? I held my angel tighter and the tears once again flooded my eyes. Logic has always been my friend and it set in at that moment. They were looking for us. They would be looking for us; it was just a matter of time. The question then became how much time because the temperature was dropping fast and I could feel the blood from my head wound soaking the waistband of my skirt.



I Measured the Time Today

I measured the time yesterday
And it was much longer than the day before.

I rest in the weariness of life’s next adventure
I cannot breath too deep
As I stand in the middle of a sunken canyon
All directions seem possible
All directions seem uncertain
I place a blanket down in the midst of the dusty circle
And I wait
For what?
For life to jump up and tell me it is time
“Here let me point an arrow to your next ride”
That would be nice
As I contemplate
The vastness of my reality
The expanse of the space I find myself
Comfortably seated in
But why?
What holds me here
To this expanse of time
To this sunken canyon
Dusty and dank?
So I choose
And take the greater leap
I tumble over the waterfall
In full barrel
Eyes wide open

I measured the time today
Then threw it away
It doesn’t matter anyway.



I Have Been Honored and so I Honor Back

So I’ve been honored by a very special lady…thank you SR…with the Illuminating Blogger Award.


So there are terms for the award and here they are:

1. Leave a comment on original site.

2. Choose a random fact about yourself.

3. Choose five bloggers to pass the torch to.

A random fact about myself would be my desire to climb a mountain, Denali most specifically.

So now I want to honor some wonderful bloggers who have written such beautiful words to inspire me, uplift me, empower me, and bring me in closer union with our Father, so here they are…

To Have Her Heart…what can I say that anyone who reads her posts doesn’t already know-her posts are filled with such love and beauty and God. I often find answers to prayers right in her posts.

Matt J Schell…he always gives me something deep to think about.

Lame Housewife…such beautiful posts and if you love St. Francis de Sales or St. Therese the Little Flower, you’ll find yourself at home.

Public Catholic…Representative Hamilton shares the beauty of her life, the private and the public, her Catholic faith and what that really means.

today I prayed…Beautiful! I’m always moved.


Ringlets and Coattails

Ringlets subdue the mighty
And they fall
They always fall
Heads first
And then the hearts
And I am amazed
Stunned really
By the ease at which they become
The peaceful animals of the wild
For their heads no longer collide
And civility runs very high.

It is the essence of our world
The simplicity of life overwrought with unnecessary chaos
I hold to the park bench
For hours at a time
Tolerating the piercing screams
From the ringlets as they pass by
They giggle and twirl
In their lace and fake pearls
Watching the mighty subdued
Will soon become a lifelong pursuit
The innocence of age
Marked by ringlets and coattails
Brings me peace
And I smile
Watching life again renewed.




The Battle Wanes

The summit of the battle wanes
And I find the loss
It is a strain
To watch the passing of time
And remember when
When the sunlight hit your face just so
And the mirages were better aged
You remember the smell of September
And the playground days of early December
As the first snows fell
And the boot impressions were the most fascinating things.

The battle wanes
And you find the loss
The age of beauty passes
And innocents no longer applies
You drift as sonnets are whispered
Between the youth who pass you by

You have loved
And You have danced
In the moonlights beam
On the fifth of July
When the fireworks have stopped
But the butterflies still climb to your heart.

Even though the summit of the battle wanes
I find the loss
A trove of treasures
My legacy to ponder
In my juniper
I whisper his name
And remember how loving someone
Stays with you always.